January/February 2013 Competition Results

JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2013 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Patrick Mullins, Harbor City, California, USA.

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Just great ... They've got tricycles!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland. Texas, USA

“Take my advice, and never use a unicycle when you're plastered.”
- Rob Falconer, Llandough, UK

“The Wife's on her cycle, so I'd better get on MY cycle!”
- Kit Mayer, League City, Texas, USA

“I'm one of the few 'survivors' to make it to the next round on 'African Idol'!”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

(thought cloud) “I never realised that just being a meerkat could be so complicated.”
- Melkior, Victoria, Australia

“I quit. Find a new partner for you unicycle knife juggling act.”
- Chuck Scholz, Evansville, Indiana, USA

“Those clowns. Got to pedal faster. That little car is catching up again...”
- Timmie, North Carolina, USA


“Phew! That’s ANOTHER wall I just missed!”
- Jenner



















NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2012 COMPETITION

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Kit Mayer, League City, Texas, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“I have to take my own - they only ever have popcorn in cinemas.”
- Valerie Falconer, Penarth, Wales

"Sorry, but I get antsy when my medication is overdue."
Sandy, Joelton, Tennessee, USA

“This is your idea of an easy open package?”
- Jeffrey Angus, Ranger. Texas, USA

“Take that medicine - I do, and look at me, I'm in my prime mate.”
- Mario Rabaiotti, UK

“Thanks, Phil. For all those 'fire ants' I'd eaten, I really needed this ANT-acid!”
- Jed. G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“Cool this comes in Ant flavour?”
- Jim Rhine

“Haven't you got one without the childproof packaging?”
- Uncle Kage, Malvern, Pennsylvania, USA

“What do you mean Cure?! It Killed the Ants!”
- Karin Schedel, Campbelltown, South Australia, Australia


“Yep, lots of the little beggars. We call 'em 'medicants'”
- Erik Kloeppel, Brighton, Colorado, USA


“Case in point. So, will it cure my sneezing?”
- Jenner












JULY/AUGUST 2012 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Alexandra Weingartner, Creve Coeur, Missouri, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Sorry Doc, my super hero's outfit is in the wash - this is the best I could find at short notice.”
- Mario Rabaiotti, South Wales, UK

“Fantasia was NOT a REAL super hero movie!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas

“Gimmie back my magic wand, ya big fairy!”
- Jim Lane, St. Augustine, Florida, USA

“Back off Jarrad, or I'll make Alphabet Soup out of you!”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA

“Lay one paw on me and I'll give you two black eyes... er... blacker eyes”
- Erik, Lake Stevens, Washington, USA


“The city will tremble to the power of my mighty justice…after school assembly but before play-lunch break.”
- Jenner













































MAY/JUNE 2012 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Mike Higgs, Glenside, South Australia, Australia

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

"He's let a 60" TV screen come between us!"
- Jim Lane, St. Augustine, Florida, USA

"His obsession with television has gone to a new level... He's using our satellite dish as a birdbath!"
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

"And he NEVER let's go of the remote!"
- Dragontech64, Tacoma, Washington, USA

“We keep having the same arguments! Every time I seem to be winning, he hits "rewind"!”
- Curtis Hoffmann, Kagoshima, Japan

“I only wish he'd mute his hoot.”
- Deckard Canine, Washington, DC, USA

*Now, where is that mute button...?*
-Timmie, North Carolina, USA

"... and all he watches is WHO Do You Think You Are?"
- John Collins, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

"That's it! This is the last last time I put on 'The Sound of Music' while on a date."
- Mike Begin, Woonsocket, Rhode Island, USA

“Turn it back, I was watching "America's got talons"”
- Mario Rabaiotti, South Wales, UK

TV: "Hello Possums" .....NO! Don't change the channel!
- Karin Schedel , Campbelltown, Australia

“I feel like I just keep picking up pellet after pellet while he watched Dr. Who all “day!
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA
That’s just yucky. Jenner

“'E won't give up the remote! Sez it makes 'im feel powerful!”
(I did identify the species correctly, right?)
- Dave Neil, Idaho Falls, Idaho, USA
Yes, you did. The bird is a powerful owl, the natural predator of the ring-tailed possum. Congratulations.

“ But Cassandra is pregnant with Charles' baby, and he thinks it's Carlos' brothers, and Janet is in a coma, and Regina was just sued for paternity for the baby fathered before her sex change!! And you want to watch the NEWS???”
- Cat, Lebanon, Oregon, USA
And congratulations on creating such a convincing soap opera synopsis.

"It's Carpal Talon Syndrome?!"
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA
I’ll credit that one.

“He's SO calculating!”
- Jimmy Lapine, Floating around South Tampa
Yes, I was drawing a calculator, and I changed it to a TV remote at the last moment.

“Why can't I think of a good Doc Rat caption at the press of a button?”
- M Henry, Winston-Salem, North Carolina, USA
Self-referential humour. I love it.

“Excuse me, you're touching my hooters!”
- Russell Swift, Queensland, Australia
This is just… different.


“ The only thing we have in common is a crush on David Attenborough.”
- Jenner














MARCH/APRIL 2012 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Bruce Griffin, Warrensburg, Missouri, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Guys! I tested the diet machine! It doesn't work!”
- Alexis Swartz, San Jose, California, USA

"You're right! Stealing the cheese WAS a snap!"
- James Hillier, Shilo, Manitoba, Canada

“AH! This and all the trappings too!”
- Jimmy Lapine, Tampa, Florida, USA

“My rat sense is tingling. Someone must be tailing me!”
- Christian Hennecke, Bochum, Germany

“Worth it!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“No one will know it was me!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“It's a free meal, and all mine! All I have to do is leave a tip!”
- Sandy, Joeltown, Tennessee, USA

"My life is Gouda!"
- Jon Wilson. Lafayette, California, USA

“You know what they say: no pain, no Gruyere!”
- Brian Coe, Lake Stevens, WA, USA

“This must be a French dish -- fromage et PAIN!”
- Deckard Canine, Washington, DC, USA

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!"
- Steven F. Scharff, Henderson, Nevada, United States

“The new motivation plan for interns making sure they stay on their toes even after those 40hr shifts.”
- Dan Davis, Raymond, Ohio, USA

"Of course, when the anesthetic I injected my tail with wears off, you're going to hear some screaming... but it was worth it!"
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“Guess who had too much Krug?”
- Jim Rhine, Cleveland Ohio, USA

“To Cheesh!”
- Curtis Hoffmann, Kagoshima, Japan


“This was nothing! You shoulda seen me resus the cat!”
- Jenner









JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2012 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Chris Pritchard, Yahk, British Columbia, Canada

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Hello! is this on?”
- Jim Rhine

“Can you hear me NOW?!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“Doc - down stethoscope!”
- Mario Rabaiotti, South Wales, UK

“I haven`t moved an inch in over two hours,don`t tell me the Tube drivers are on strike again.”
- Ken Wilkinson, Hull, England, UK

Ben (off-panel): “I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to perform any examinations on your species, during a month with an 'R' in it.”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida. USA

“I didn't want to say this too loud, but I think I've got crabs.”
- Robert Adrian, North Conway, New Hampshire, USA

“You won't hear much unless you can manage to get it insi-*....oh.”
- Uncle Kage, Malvern, Pennsylvania, USA


"Certainly. It's a sort of lub-whoosh-doop, lub-whoosh-doop, lub-whoosh-doop..."
- Jenner















NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 11 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Jeremy Ryan, Brookline, Massecusetts, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“I’ve heard of being tongue-tied, but this is ridiculous!”
- Jeanne Skadowski, Olean, New York, USA
(First entry with this joke – Jenner)

“I always feel tongue-tied at special occasions ...”
{probably the 47th person to submit this ☺}
- Dave Neil, Idaho Falls, ID USA
(Yes, you were – Jenner)

“Thanks Doc - I never forget what’s on the tip of my tongue any more.”
- Mario Rabaiotti, SouthWales, UK

“Thank goodness we didn’t kiss beneath the Mistletoe!”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA

(from offpanel) “... just be glad you don’t have to work the bungee jump attraction!”
- John Bartol, Vancouver, BC, Canada

(And then, I created a monster. Read on, if you dare…)

“Ah’ee ‘ir-ngay poo ngyou, Ah’ee ‘ir-ngay oo... I ngan’t o onng! ‘Ake uh ‘ackag, ‘uick!”
- W. Reid Ripley, Port Hueneme, California, USA

“Thith ith what happenth when you refuth to thing crithmath carolth!”
- Shaylen Kleint, Ava, Missouri,USA

“I wath thutht ‘ooking a’ay thor a thecond... thoth ‘rofethional githt ‘rapperth thure are thatht!”
- Atkelar, Austria

“Wath! Wath! Justh onth fmorf packeth!”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California,USA

“...aanf fen dawk, he toe me to puu my tongue were hi’ figger was...”
- Kit Mayer, League City, Texas, USA

“Ah han helieve ah ageed hoo work hor HedEx!!!!!!!!!”
- Lynn Warren, Lakewood,Washington, USA

“...a thurprithe prethent that will leathe you tongue-tied,’ th’ wife thayth. ‘My goodneth’, I thay. ‘I couldn’t pothibly wait until Chrithmath to retheith it,’ I thay. ‘Perhapth you thould thurprithe me wif it now’, I thay...”
- Chuck Melville, Washington, USA

“Ith thowy I mithed yow bithday! Pleathe umwap it fatht!”
- Samantha, Perth, Western Australia, Australia

“Tho thorry fo tha esstra russ deliffry!”
- Rick Vander Hyde, Lancaster, California, USA

“Chrithtmath ith weally dwagging me down thith yeaa.”
- Timo Steffens, Germany

“How wuf Fi fuffofof poo bow vuh wavels were blace biff bloo?”
- Christopher Smith, Silsbee,Texas, USA


"Yes, I DO speak Parceltongue!"
- Jenner









SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 11 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Marko Laine, Mount Gravatt East, Queensland, Australia

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Of course I'm a qualified pilot - I've got my stripes.”
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

“It's a raccoon-noitre helicopter”
- Valerie Falconer, Penarth, Wales

“It slices. It dices. It makes julienne fries. And the best part? It flies!”
- Kasekine, Lynnwood, Washington United States

“You're the one that told me to stay off my feet, Doc!”
- Lea, Arlington, Texas, United States

“See, Doc? I told you I found a cure for my bunions!”
- Matt Pollaehne, Huntington, Utah, U.S.A

“Hey, Doc! Did ya' see my whirlchair?”
- Mark “Hiena” Balogh, Velence/Hungary

“Can't stay long, Doc! I've only got time for a flying visit!”
- Parou, Heathmont, Victoria, Australia


“Me? I’m with the Royal Flying Patient Service.”
- Jenner
















JULY/AUGUST 11 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Curtis Hoffman, Kagoshima, Japan


SPECIAL MENTIONS:


“Get a grip, kids! It was just your school jabs.”
- Terry, California, USA

“Mary! He used up all of the Toilet Paper!”
- Jim Rhine

“Oh look, it’s Charlton Heston and Vincent Price looking for Will Smith.”
- M Henry, Winston-Salem, Norht Carolina, USA

"Brains. Must have brains."
- Timmie, North Carolina, USA

“Brains! Braaaaaaains! Must have brains!”
- Erik, Brighton,Colorado,USA

"Grains... graaaains..."
"Oh, great. I’m with the vegetarian zombies."
- Mark Correia , New Bedford, Massachusetts, USA

“Zombie Line Dancing”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA

“Mary looked on in confusion as patients began a rendition of the "Thriller" dance.”
- Alexandra Weingartner, Midland, Texas, USA

“Whose brilliant idea was it to have our Dancercize class remake Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’?”
- Tristan MacAvery, Syracuse, New York, USA

“C’mon! Why isn’t anyone else doing the "Monster Mash"?!?”
- Catbunny, Lynnwood, Washington, USA

“We’re getting down at the Monster M.A.S.H”
- Godel Fishbreath, Chino, California, USA

“The Ratty Horror Show,
It’s just a step to the left.
And then a step to the right.”
- Steve Chay, Swansea, UK

“You put your right foot in... you put your right foot out...”
- Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA

“You do the Zombie-Wolfie, and you rip a brain out,
An that’s what it’s all about!
Arooo! Zombie chase the wolfie!
Arooo! Wolfie chase the zombie!
Arooo! Zombie chase the wolfie!
Paws out, knees bent, Grr Grr Grr!”
- Julia, Melbourne. Victoria, Australia


“Werewolves? No - HE wolf. Me zombie.”
- Jenner

(Note from Jenner: I have to point out that there were many identical entries. Let’s call it… ha ha ha… a dead heat.)









MAY/JUNE 11 COMPETITION

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

JANUARY/FEBRUARY 11 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Sam Schmern, Duncan, BC, Cananda

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“I'm real hook, Doc.”
- Alexandra Weingartner, Midland, TX, USA
(… and many others with variations on the theme.)

- “The first day fishing, and I'm hooked already”
- Valerie Falconer, Penarth, Wales
(… and many other similar entrants. Thank you to all of them.)

“I know how it looks but my story has a great hook”
- Leon McDill, Franklin, Tennessee, USA

“You think THIS is embarrassing? I don't have a 'fishing license', so the game warden made me throw myself back in!”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“In that moment, Tony deeply regretted his solemn vow to always eat what he caught.”
John Bartol, Vancouver, Canada



“Whatever it is, I think it's catching, Doc!”
- Alicia Smith, Doubleview, Western Australia, Australia

“Well CARP! How does this keep happening?”
- Lynn Warren, Lakewood, Washington, USA

“That's the last time I let a fly sell me lures...”
- Frank Ney, Charles Town, West Virginia, USA

“If my friends find out, they'll throw me out of the fishing club!”
- Jim Lane, St Augusting, Florida, USA


“My ex-wife told me it was a back scratcher”
- Bruce, New Hampshire, USA

I didn't know it was loaded!
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“Should we get a medic, or call the carps?”
- Mecha Fox, Bentleigh, Victoria, Australia

“On a scale of one to 100, I think I've hooked scale number 68!”
- Jeanne Skadowski, New York State, USA

“It's OK, I'm a strong believer in “catch and release”!”
- Simcha-Yitzchak Lerner, Oak Park, Michigan, USA

“I hate being my own bait!”
“My wife wants chips, too”
“Some days, I just go all to Pisces.”
- Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA

“I think I made a rod for my own back, Doc.”
“I didn't do it on porpoise, Doc.”
“Will this wound require a sturgeon, Doc?”
“It's a warning from the Lob, Doc. They want me to clam up about some fishy business, or they'll have my head on a pike.
- Morten Holm, Tromsø, Norway
(It’s inter-continental punnish warfare!)


“Doc, I think I've thrown me back.”
- Jenner

NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 10 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Jason Smith, Nagano Prefecture, Japan


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“You mean me? Santa outsourced the service to locusts of Saudi Arabia.”
- VL, Tampere, Finland

“Just what every Aardvark wants for Christmas, a sugar ant!”
- Simcha-Yitzchak Lerner, Oak Park, Michigan, USA

“Try to blend in...try to blend in...try to blend in...”
- Jeanne Skadowski, Olean, New York, USA

“I have a candy cane. Did you know candy canes have a lot of sugar in them? Yey sugar. Did you also know that I get a sugar high really easily?"
- Kenai Kloeppel, Brighton, Colorado, USA

Caption: “Okay everyone settle down for a special Christmas version of Uncle Kage's Story Hour.”
- W. R Iserman, Havertown, Pennsylvania, USA

“Now that my nefarious plans for world domination have failed.....
Candy canes for EVERYONE!!!”
- Lynn Warren, Lakewood, Washington, USA


“Sweet! I’m the December pin-up.”
- Jenner

SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 10 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Tatiana Sotomayor, Champaign, Illinois, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Open wider and say AAAAHHHHH”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA

“Uh huh ... Looks like a mussel spasm.”
- John Reynods, Concord, California, USA

“Doc Rat calling Pearl... Come in Pearl...”
- VL, Tampere, Finland

“I wanted a Cell Phone not a Shell Phone!”
- Jim Rhine,

“You know, that's the second biggest one of those I've ever seen.”
- Terry, Santa Barbara, California, USA

“Good god, yes! Steroid use causes smaller pearls!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“There are many reasons why you shouldn't feel despondent for not being able to produce a pearl... For starters, you're a scallop, not an oyster!”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“Now I've got oil all over my hand - this isn't Shell, it's BP”
- Valerie Falconer, Penarth, UK

“My God....Its full of Stars!”
- Erving Lewis, Memphis, Tennessee, USA and
- Steve C, Raleigh, North Carolina, USA

“HOLY MARY MOTHER OF...PEARL?!”
- Gabe Bennett, Corvallis, Oregon, USA

“Shell shock!”
- Jimmy Lapine, Tampa, Florida, USA

“Incautiously romancing fox trollop!”
- Alicia Smith, Doubleview, Western Australia, Australia

“Too late, Kilroy’s been here.”
- Ken Wilkinson, Bilton Grange Estate, Hull, England


“Oh, no! You’ve got crabs!”
- Jenner

JULY/AUGUST 10 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Tim- D-Thoma, Erlangen, Germany


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“The small cage, I can understand... but you’re going to need to spread out the entire Sunday Times underneath me!”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“When I stuck my head in the sand at the beach I found this now I can’t get it off, Doc!”
- Daniel Davis, Raymond, Ohio United States

“I just thought I’d have a “sticky beak” ...and now my beak is stuck!!”
- David Hamilton, Ripponlea, Victoria, Australia

“I didn’t think this was what they meant by Cajun dining.”
- Alexandra Weingartner, Midland, Texas, USA

“You know, Doc, I was really offended when they told me I was the wrong type of bird for their gated community.”
- Michael Brown, London, Ontario, Canada

“I don’t suppose you have another apartment with a little more space?....”
- Shane Rountree, Covina, California, USA

“Are you certain this’ll help my agoraphobia?!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“I dunno, Doc... I just feel kinda cagey.”
- Sarah, Lakewood, Washington, USA

“Well, so much for “one size fits all”!”
- Atkelar, Austria

“My, that was quite a growth spurt!”
- Steve Gilberg, Washington, DC, USA

“Well doc, it all started when I realized I was really a canary stuck in an ostrich’s body.”
- Nancy, Moncton, NB, Canada

“I don’t think the therapy is working, she still thinks she’s a parakeet.”
- Dave Wadsworth, Lolo, Montana USA

“This is the last time I stick my neck out for anyone!”
- LadyRhian, Manahawkin, New Jersey, USA

“What happens in the birdcage, stays in the birdcage.”
- Charlotte Ballard, Pine Bluff, Arkansas, USA


“My nest is so tiny, it’s stuck on my… No, doc, the OTHER end.”
- Jenner

MAY/JUNE 10 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Radar Nocturn, Ellwood City, Pennsylvania, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Wait, Miss! You haven't even started your curds and whey!”
- Valerie Falconer, Penarth, Wales

“The leg had been bothering him all week. My husband would have wanted it this way. Really.”
- Marjorie

“Munchausen's by Spider”
- Sarah, Lakewood, Washington State, USA

“Soon... someone will fall into my crutches!”
- Michael Hemphill, Tucson, Arizona USA


“Wow – Faster than Mark Webber!”
- Jenner

MARCH/APRIL 10 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Tracy Smith, Wichita Falls, Texas, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Because I don't like egg drop soup!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“Unless you want to be my next course, MOVE!”
- Steven F. Scharff, Henderson, Nevada, USA

“You treat me like a statue, I treat you like dinner!”
- Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA

“Sheesh! Can't a guy celebrate the 'Year of the Tiger' in peace?!”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“I ordered chop suey, not gull pooey!”
- Julia, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia


Gull thinks: “Get down? ALL birds have got down, stupid.”
- Jenner

JANUARY/FEBRUARY 10 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Stuart Keith, Greenock, Inverclyde, Scotland


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“... And this is our new intern. She’s a Blue Healer.”
- Dave Neil, Idaho Falls, Idaho, USA

“Once I bury this out back, they won’t be able to give me my shots!”
- Pat Drewery, Salem, Oregon, USA

“I can has revenge against vet?”
- Shawn Wright, Salem, Alabama, USA

“This is the last time I’m agreeing to play "fetch" on St Kilda beach!”
- David Hamilton, Ripponlea, Victoria, Australia

(from above) “Oh no, I fix you, you don’t fix me.”
- Kim Squire, Scarborough, Ontario, Canada


“A pointer? Do I LOOK like a pointer?”
- Jenner

DECEMBER 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from David Hamilton, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Com'on! Gimme the candy! One piece won't effect my diabetes!”
- Brian Coe, Lake Steven, Washington, USA

“Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a sound could be heard. Not even a mouse - THEN HE FOUND A CRACKER !!!”
- Glenn Payne, Coogee, Western Australia, Australia

“Maybe there's cheese to go with this cracker.”
- Frank Ney, Charles Town, West Virginia, USA

“Note to self.....must get Mary to book all future elephant circumcisions through local Rabbi.”
- Gordon Bingham, Bentleigh, Victoria, Australia

“Usually objects found in this orifice don't present the possibility of ignition....”
- Donna Barr, Clallam Bay, Washington, USA

“OK! Debenhams' said O = 11xC/L + 5xQ, where O is the optimum downward angle for pulling the cracker.”
- Dave Neil, Idaho Falls, Idaho, USA


“You know what I’m wishing? I’m wishing there wasn’t a cat on the other end of this!”
- Jenner

NOVEMBER 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Michael, Oak Grove, Missouri, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“So, YOU'RE the one who's been 'tweeting' me, all this month?!”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“...And when the swordfish jerked the man out of his boat, he must have been THIS LONG!”
- Jim Lane, St Augustine, Florida, USA

“And then I thought, “Why should I worry about rising sea levels?”
- Louis Richards, Miramar, Florida, USA

“Look on the bright side, if it wasn’t for Global Warming, we’d never have met.”
- Ken Wilkinson, Hull, Yorkshire, England

“See?! I told you I had a “Wet Bar” in my place.”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA

“I'm studying to be a parrotfish!”
- Alicia Smith, Doubleview, Western Australia, Australia


“If it weren’t for beak-to-gill resuscitation, I wouldn't be standing here today!”
- Jenner

OCTOBER 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Phil McCarty, Gaithersburg, Maryland, USA  

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Guaranteed not to shrink?”
- Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA

“Lampshade ÅRSTID?!”
- Tino D-Thoma, Erlangen, Germany (currently Batangas, Philippines)

“‘Pull to open drool valve’? Is Doc trying to tell me something?!”
- Jeff, Orlando, Florida, USA

“Who is #5, and what was he doing inspecting my collar?”
- Jim Lane, St. Augustine, Florida, USA

“What a rip-off! When this card said I was entitled to a ‘free cone’, I thought I was getting ice cream!”
- Jed Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“500 DOLLARS?! That’s bull! My last cone only cost 10 Cents!”
- Shaylene Kleint, Ava, Missouri, USA

“Dear Tim, Remember how you said after our last kid you wouldn’t consider getting a vasectomy...”
- Jason Smith, Nagano, Japan


“Weather fine. Beach lovely. Girls beautiful. Wish you were here. Signed: Your surgeon.”
- Jenner

SEPTEMBER 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Mirko, Kreutzal, Germany 


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“And now to test your reflexes...”
- Terri Wells, Groveland, Florida, USA

“Don't worry, it's a very delicate procedure, but I do it all the time. Let's get started...”
- Brian Coe, Lake Stevens, Washington, USA

“Now sit still Mrs. Cat, and forget your kitten for a moment. I need to inject this very precisely.”
- Jorgen Avnskjold, Ishoj, Denmark

“Now that your son's in the waiting room, let's just check your prostate and we'll be all finished.”
- Dave Neil, Idaho Falls, Idaho, USA

“Oh boy! Gonna get me some tail!”
- Leanne Ridley, Maple Ridge, British Columbia, Canada

“...no, Doctor, he's never had a problem with worms, pounces right on them!”
Alicia Smith, Doubleview, Western Australia, Australia
(who also suggested: “I CAN HAZ TAIL?!!”)

“Steady, Mrs, Cat... you might feel some slight discomfort.”
- Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA
(who also advised: “I dunno about you folk in Oz, but here in the US, that's doctor speak for “look out, this is gonna hurt like getting hit by a truck””)


“I love unexpected endings.”
- Jenner

AUGUST 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“All he keeps saying is ‘Red Bull gives you wings.’”
- Matthew Faulhaber, Tucson, Arizona, USA

“Mum! John's playing with Grandma's false beaks again!”
- Luna Fox, Sale, Victoria, Australia

“Ma! Judy is dating that Bullfinch again!”
- Jim Rhine

“Sooooo .... Is he the devil we know?”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“Hey doc! It's lasted longer than four hours, what do I do now?”
- Frank Ney, Charles Town, West Virginia, USA

“I did not want to know where Buffalo wings really came from!”
- Coyoty, Hartford, Connecticut USA

“I told you there would be hormones in that seed you got at the gym!”
- Bill Chapman, Bull Creek, Western Australia, Australia

“Hey, Doc! Remember when you'd warned my son not to fly anywhere near that nuclear power plant?...”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA


“If you cross a budgie with a cow, of COURSE you’ll get a pat on the back!”
- Jenner









JULY 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Bear with me for a bit longer please!”
- Maurice Palmen, Oss, The Netherlands

“Are you SURE this is part of the police physical?”
- Dave Neil, Idaho Falls, Idaho, USA

“Gee, who'd have thought that I'd need a full physical for trying out for a role in Kung Fu Panda!”
- Nicole, Townsville, Queensland, Australia

“It hurts when I do this...”
- Den Whitton, Dubbo, NSW, Australia

“Doc, you sure about this?”
“Of course, this is the best treatment for “Kung-Flu!”
- Mike Higgs, Duluth, Georgia, USA

“Now see......!! I told you what happens every time that blasted clock strikes 12:00!!!!”
- Lynn Warren, Puyallup, Washington, USA

“The stop watch is to see how long it takes to realize how silly I look, isn't it?”
- Chuck Scholz, Evansville, Indiana, USA


“…ever since I was chief graffiti cleaner on the Great Wall.”
- Jenner









JUNE 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Glenn Payne, Coogee, Western Australia, Australia


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“You got to help me doc ! One of my fleas wants to be a lumberjack!”
- Joris Bogaerts, Antwerpen, Belgium

“Lightning alopecia. Do try to stay inside during thunderstorms.”
- Alicia Smith, Doubleview, Western Australia, Australia
(For those of you who spotted the Goon Show reference- Jenner.)

“Hey doc, I really need a perscription for that Grow-mane stuff. My bald spot's getting bigger.”
- Michael Heath, Oak Grove, Montana, USA

” I'm going to have my tail hair transplanted onto my head... So don't get startled when I start swatting flies!”
- Jed Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“Sadly my nurse mistook what I said. She heard ‘Scalp me’.”
- Sarah Roberts, Torrance, California, USA

“Bald? I thought you said I'd be BILLED immediately...”
- Kit Mayer, Tucson, Airzona, USA

“I never thought I'd be a victim of Stallion-Pattern-Baldness?!”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA

“I thought it was supposed to be MARE pattern baldness!”
- David Wandelt, Freehold, New Jersey, USA

“It all started when my friend told me he had some stuff that would get rid of the horn growing out of my forehead...”
- Terri Wells, Groveland, Florida, USA

“So I thought, Nah, I'll just grab a bite while I'm mowing....”
- Lucius Appaloosius, Mystic, Connecticut, USA

“Doc, it's true: Don't talk politics with your barber!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“The Rabbi's hearing aid was broken. He thought I said ‘Forelock.’”
- Uncle Kage, Malvern, Pennsylvania, USA

“And now everyone at the shop keeps singing ‘I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no mane’.”
Nancy, NB, Canada

“I guess I can keep it under my Kentucky Derby until it grows back.”
- Eirik, Lake Stevens, WA, USA


“I can’t do a thing, looking like this, ‘cept getting a job as a judge.”
- Jenner

APRIL/MAY 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Mea, Birmingham, Alabama, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Is that a bone in my tongue or am I happy to see you?”
- Kasekine, Lynnwood, Western Australia, Australia

“I am one sexy bitch.”
- Matthew McKenna, Parkwood, Perth, Western Australia, Australia

“Oh my goodness! I think it is Carpal Tongue Hole Syndrome”
- Glenn Payne, Coogee, Western Australia, Australia

“It’s not a diamond, silly. It just sparkles from the drool!”
- Ryu Darragh

“It’s ALL the wage in Euwoop.”
- Demi Hungerford, Escondido, California, USA

“It’s Bluetooth enabled...”
- Mike, Wisconsin, USA


“This place can do the piercing while-u-wait.”
- Jenner

MARCH 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Marvin E. Fuller, Sweet Home, Oregon, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“I asked him to wear protection in bed, and he got sarcastic!”
- Deckard Canine, Washington, DC, USA

“Do I LOOK like Bennie Hill?”
- Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA

“I know you said we should use protection, but this is ridiculous!”
- Amber


“I can’t imagine why it doesn’t fit – He’s got a size 3 brain.”
- Jenner.

FEBRUARY 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“When Meals on Wheels hired me I thought I was going to be the delivery boy!”
- Jonathon, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

“No one told me it was an Electric Car!!!”
- Bruce Denhard, New Hampshire, USA

“Whadoya mean the Engines flooded?”
- Wizzard, Buckinghamshire, UK

“I just hate when my car fishtails!”
- Kit Mayer, Tucson, Arizona, USA

“It wasn't my fault! A giraffe on a cell phone cut me off!”
- Brian Coe, Lake Stevens, Washington, USA

“...and then some Barracuda bowled me over! So I gave him the fin.”
- Ferret, Texas, USA

“Then he pulled out Thing 1 and Thing 2 from his hat and it really got bad”
- Mark Gerkey, Poway, California, USA

“Then right outta NOWHERE came this crazy cat driving a moss-covered one-wheeled family credenza!”
- Michael Higgs

“2 operations, a contusion, and a bruised fin later, and now you tell me I have been swimming in hard water?!?!?!”
- John Cheek, Dallas, Texas, USA

“I'm not exactly happy with the operation to fix my car pool tunnel syndrome.”
- Louis, Herndon, Virginia, USA

“...not to mention all the bloody jokes about having an accident during a bowl moment!”
Jack Shallist, Toronto, Canada


“That’s it! I’m getting a tank!”
- Jenner








JANUARY 09 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Tristan MacAvery, Rochester, New York, USA 


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

(This was very difficult. With over two hundred entries, there was so many rhinovirus and rhinoplasty jokes that I had to choose on the nuances between almost identical captions. Please don’t feel cheated if your rhino joke is not listed here. I also included the first ones I received – they get extra points for being quick off the mark.)

“Yes, the procedure is often called Rhinoplasty... no pun intended, honest!”
- ParouM, Heathmont, Victoria, Australia

“Well, the rhinoplasty was a success!”
- Catbunny, Lynnwood, Washington, USA

“This is the worst case of rhinovirus I’ve ever seen!”
- Debra Delorme, Fort Mill, South Carolina, USA

“ Tsk tsk, this is the worst case of rhinophyma I have seen in a rabbit!”
- Bill Chapman, Bull Creek, Western Australia, Australia

“Very interesting, but I can assure you that its not a CARROT-O-ACANTHOMA.”
- Michael Hurley, Malvern, Victoria, Australia

“It’s that medication reaction I warned about, but some Hare Restorer should clear it up.”
- Bruce Denhard, New Hampshire, USA

“I know rabbits can be horny at times, but this is the worst case I’ve seen!”
- Phil McCarty, Gaithersburg, Maryland, USA

“Oh, I don’t think we’ll need a paternity test to find your father.”
- 2 Gryphon, Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA

“This may not have relevance to your case, but by chance, did your family milkman have a tendency to charge at things that startled him?”
- Samuel Conway, Malvern, Pennsylvania, USA

“So how many people get out of your way when you blow that thing?”
- Frank Brown, Glen Waverley, Victoria, Australia

“I`m afraid there`s nothing I can do except offer you a job as my coathanger.”
- Ken Wilkinson, Hull, Yorkshire, England

“I don’t know who I should contact: Blue Cross or Ripley’s ‘Believe It Or Not’.”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida USA

“Honk! Honk! Sorry, couldn’t resist!”
- Philip B. Smith, Reading, Pennsylvania, USA


“You’re going to have to develop a thicker skin.”
- Jenner

DECEMBER 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from David Hamilton, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia 


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“It de-tangles fur, checks your hearing… Oh, and it even makes toast!”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA

“It's a combination Nutcracker, Coffee Grinder, and Hot Dog server!”
- Jim Rhine

Caption: “It was cheap on eBay! The guy said it was either a Martian rover, a weedwhacker, a radio, or a breast pump.”
- Don, Granger, Indiana, USA

“It not only rids your yard of pests, it weeds the flower beds and brings you the morning newspaper, too!”
- Jim Lane, St Augustine, Florida, USA

“Yeah, Doc! I saw it and thought that you'd just love a pill sorter!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“It amputates, sutures, clamps, suctions, sterilizes, staples, monitors, has an AM/FM radio and charges the patient!”
- Brian Coe, Lake Stevens, Washington, USA

“It's guaranteed to pull the band-aid off without anyone noticing.”
- Rebecca Downey, Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

Caption: “Just the thing for dealing with haemorrhoids!”
Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA

“My wife says it's for giving men the masculine equilavent of a mammogram.”
- Abel DuSable, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

“‘Happy Christmas from Medicare’ it says, Doc! Its the new bulk billing machine!”
- James Turton, Canberra, ACT, Australia

“It's an alarm clock for my cousin in Alaska. He takes some waking up after hibernation.”
- Dave Neil, Rigby, Idaho, USA

Caption: “Kids today are so deprived. The one I had, when I was a kid, had real metal blades. Also it had a detachable flame thrower.”
- Nick

“I'm telling you, it's perfectly child safe. No small parts.”
- A. Sigurd Olson, St Paul, Minnesota, USA

“What do you think Doctor, will this toy be a choke hazard for my son?”
- Mark Balogh, Velence, Hungary

“I haven't the slightest idea what it does, but isn't it FABULOUS?”
- Scott Malcomson, Mesa, Arizona, USA


“Finally! My replacement part for last year's phone.”
- Jenner

NOVEMBER 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Jack Shallist, Toronto, Ontario, Canada 


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“My antidepressants seem to have some side effects...” (There were many, many similar entries, but this man was first – Jenner)
- Ben, Calgary, Alberta, Canada

“Doc, never get drunk near a tattoo parlor run by clowns.” (And many of these, too – Jenner)
- Dave Wolfe, North Carolina, USA

“The last thing I remember was falling asleep at a Wiggles concert....”
- Brian Coe, Lake Stevens, WA

Caption: “All I know is, I woke up like this at my home in Kenya on the morning of November 5...”
- Dave Wright, Hartford, Connecticut, USA

“I think I have some benign tumors.”
- John Reynolds, Concord, California, USA

“This is the worst case of happiness I’ve ever seen!”
- Jodi

“I told you I had a funny rash.”
- Bill Chapman, Bull Creek, Western Australia, Australia

“Wow, looks like you got yourself a case of smile pox.” (Groaaann – Jenner)
- Jessica Weber, Salem, Oregon, USA

“Ah, you have a computer virus!”
- Matthew Carpenter

“And in the back, it says ‘LOL’”
- Nancy Lapierre, Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada

“Do you have any idea what this is doing to my sex life?”
- Jeffrey Angus, Gardena, California, USA

“Well, Doc, I suppose you are wondering WHY those hyenas in the waiting room were laughing hysterically…”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“Never go drinking with Harvey R. Ball.” (Google him – Jenner)
- Phatchick96, Appleton, Wisconsin, USA


“It’s embarrassing - I have to put on a shirt on before every stampede.”
- Jenner

OCTOBER 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Kasekine, Lynnwood, Washington, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“I found the problem: Your monitor’s on fire!” (A photo finish for the winning post – Jenner)
- John-David Kraaikamp

“Not to worry! That’s just the... umm... the firewall. You’ve heard of firewalls, right?”
- Bernard Doove, Cranbourne, Victoria, Australia

“Well you firewall is all set!”
- Elijah Jamll

“Of course it’s flaming. I’m using the new edition of Firefox.”
- Jason Gaffney, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

“And when you select Burn Disc it WILL burn the disc.”
- Jenifur Charne, Nundah, Queensland, Australia

“Well, between Firefox, the firewall, and the DVD burner, these things are bound to happen.” (Cheekily squeezing three jokes into one – Jenner)
- Jesse Henning, San Francisco, California, USA

“Don’t worry. The computer’s just warming up!”
- Bryan West

“I know it’s on fire right now, but don’t worry - it’ll freeze soon.”
- Tzisorey, Perth, Western Australia, Australia

“You can also read your HOTmail from this software!”
- John Collins, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

“When you start a flame war, it is best to keep a fire extinguisher handy.”
- Chuck Scholz, Evansville, Indiana, USA

“So THAT is what happens when you search ‘Google’ using Google!”
- Jak, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

“Wow, when it said a fatal error had occurred, it wasn’t kidding.”
- Leanne White, Mt Warren Park, Queensland, Australia

“Oh that? Nothing to worry about! You should have seen the previous version!”
- Bobcat, Davis, California, USA

“Now, if you had a Mac, this wouldn’t be happening!”
- Phatchick96, Appleton, Wisconsin, USA


“I never use the fire extinguisher – They ruin the atmosphere.”
- Jenner

SEPTEMBER 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Pam Sears, Bakersfield, California, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“You know more about tetanus than Tetris, I wager.”
- Deckard Canine, Washington, DC, USA

“By the way Doc, did I tell you I got the rash from playing this game?”
- Bruce Denhard, New Hampshire, USA

“See Doc. I told you this was aerobic exercise.”
- Louis Richards, Miramar, Florida, USA

“See... if you get killed, you lose your weapons and have to wait 30 seconds for the hospital to fix you.”
- David Hamilton, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

“I charge $45 per hour for gaming lessons, Doc.”
- Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA

“Okay now take out the kidney and don't forget, you lose points every time you drop the transplant on the floor.”
- Devin, somewhere

“Told ya it was the greatest! Grand Theft Ambulance. Get them to the hospital on time or...”
- jup-reindeer, California, USA

“This game is fully sick!”
Leanne White, Mt Warren Park, Queensland, Australia


“And next week, I can have… let’s see… mumps.”
- Jenner

AUGUST 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Daniel Reitman, Portland, Oregon, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Yes, they're plastic, so don't let anyone gnaw on them!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

Drug rep: “And the hip bones connected to the…”
Doc Rat: “‘Made in China’ bone?”
- Bruce Denhard, New Hampshire, USA

“This promises tibia good product!”
- Classic Steve, Washington DC, USA

“.. and if you perform *thirty* amputations using our product, you'll get a lovely trophy!”
- Bobcat, Davis, California, USA

“Can you believe this guy Yorick donated his skeleton to medicine?”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA


Drug rep: “So, think of our drug whenever you see…”
Doc Rat: “…a wobbly bottom.”
- Jenner

JULY 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Josh H Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“And being chauffeur-driven everywhere is just one benefit of being a teen idol!”
- Jim Lane, St Augustine, Florida, USA

“You're lucky to get this close. My bouncer doesn't like the paparazzi.”
- Den Whitton, Dubbo, NSW, Australia

“I'm sorry they trashed the pouch, but I won't take off the sunglasses. They're famous!”
- Brian Coe, Lake Steven, Washington. USA

Caption: “How many other kids make it to school on time without ever getting out of bed?”
- Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA

Caption: “That's right mate! I'm starring in Kangaroo Jack 3: The early years!”
- Jim Rhine, USA

“Ya, it's great! Have have a wide screen TV and cable in here.”
- Dave Wolfe, USA


“Take my advice: Never grow up!”
- Jenner
















JUNE 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Dave Wright, Hartford, Connecticut, USA


SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“You're all wrapped up now.”
- Trevor Boyd, Falmouth, Virginia, USA

“You'll have to keep off your feet for a few weeks...”
- Erik, Brighton, Colorado, USA

“…no, I'm sure doctor said body strap not buddy strap…”
- Bill Chapman, Bullcreek, Western Australia, Australia


“Funny, you’re one of a ROW of plaster ducks.”
- Jenner

APRIL/MAY 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Jimmy Lapine, Tampa, Florida, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

Hare: “HA! I guess I finally got the better of you!”
Tortoise: “That's what your grandpa said! And your great-grandpa, and your great-great-grandpa before him!!”
- Chris Smith, Silsbee, Texas, USA

Rabbit: “I can still beat you, old timer!”
Turtle: “Yeah, yeah. That's what your Great Grandad said, too.”
- Den Whitton, Dubbo, NSW, Australia

Rabbit: “In my old age, I'm still outrunning you tortoises!”
Tortoise: “In my old age, I'm still outliving you rabbits.”
- John-David Kraaikamp, Crossfield, Canada

“Not this time, old man, I've been using a hare restorer!”
- CP, San Diego, California, USA

“These wheels were made for winning!”
- Miriam Docrat (No relation – Jenner), somewhere in the UK

“Brakes? Where we are going we won't need brakes.”
- Ragnar Fyri, Asker, Norway

Rabbit: “Haw! I'm STILL faster than you!”
Tortoise (thinks): “Oh, yeah, speedy, wait till you hit that next downhill and find out I disconnected your hand-brake!”
- Michael Higgs, Duluth, Georgia, USA

Rabbit: “Ha! I'll win this time!”
Turtle (thinks): “If only he knew I spiked his drink with prune juice.”
- HugeWolf, North Carolina, USA


Tortoise (thinks): “Ah, but does he have a leg bag?”
- Jenner

MARCH 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from John Reynolds, San Francisco, California, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“You know Doc, if you hold it up to your ear you can hear the ocean!”
- Dave Brengan, Boaz, Kentucky, USA

“Yeah, aren't these pod phones great?”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“Yeah, he wanted to charge us to use a MACHINE to see the baby with sonar! Can you believe it?!”
- Dave Wright, Hartford, Connecticut, USA

“No, you're not interrupting anything, I'm at the doctor's office.”
- Jeff Angus, Gardena, California, USA

“Honey, Doc Rat wants to know if it’s low fat krill we eat?”
- Bill Chapman, Bull Creek, Western Australia, Australia

“Hold on Doc its one of my barnacles calling. I'll put it on speaker phone.”
- Roxann, Decatur, Illinois, USA

“Well dear, the doctor told me I was cryptorca'd but I'm sure its a fluke.”
- Donna Howell, Ledoux, New Mexico, USA

“Well, I was warned about their ability to communicate over long distances....”
- PK, Durham, North Carolina, USA

Doc Rat thinks: “If this Orca doesn't hang up, I'm going to kill a whale.”
- Chris Wheeler, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia


Doc Rat thinks: “That’s not a phone, it’s an orckie-talkie.”

FEBRUARY 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“He tried to tell me it was a paradox, but I think it's just a cock-and-bull story.”
- Bobcat, Davis, California, USA

“So like fools we asked, ‘Hey Doc, how are you celebrating the Year of the Rat?’”
- Dana Uehara, Honolulu, Hawaii, USA

“You too? This started out as a mole on my forehead.”
- Jeff Angus, Gardena, California, USA

“This has got to be, without question, the cheapest Witness Protection Program agency you've ever signed us up with!”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

“You're such a birdbrain. You think this will fool the farmer until after next Thanksgiving?”
- Phil McCarty, Gaithersburg, Maryland, USA

“The cheapest price for tramadol - <a href=http://host.jwcinc…”
- cheap tramadol, usaa  
   (This entry was submitted so many times, I had to give it credit for persistence. - Jenner)

“Yeah, I agree: Jenner's finally lost it!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“… Rats!”
- Catbunny, Lynnwood, Washington, USA


“You look a lot like Kyoto - ratified by an Australian in a hurry at the last minute.”
- Jenner

JANUARY 08 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Mel Smith, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

SPECIAL MENTIONS: “No, it’s not for medical purposes. This is just to talk to the receptionist!”
- Kiri, New York, New York, USA

“It’s my psychologist. He told me to walk taller. It could help my self esteem.”
- Simone Pietro Spinozzi, Stella di Monsampolo del Tronto (AP), Italy

“Why fly like an eagle when you can walk like an emu?”
- Rene Churchill, Waterbury, Vermont, USA

“It’s easier than trying to fly and I don’t have to deal with airport security.”
- Paul Joiner, Austin, Texas, USA

“What are you looking at me like that for? You said size matters!”
- Greg Maran, Livonia, Michigan, USA

“No really! I AM your reincarnated husband! I’m still flightless, right?”
- Garrett Williams, Webb City, Montana, USA

“Ok, so I lied about my height in my personal advertisement, but I really think we can make this relationship work!”
- Jason Smith, Nagano Prefecture, Japan

“Do you think your parents will mind that I converted?”
- James Mayer, Spring Valley, California, USA

“I SAID: MATE, CAN YOU HEAR ME UP THERE?”
- J Ghoti Dalziel, Perth, Western Australia, Australia

“The therapist was right! These things really DO make it easier for us to see eye-to-eye!”
- Boyce Kline, Greensboro, North Carolina, USA

“I tried compresses, creams, and massages and saw specialists but nothing relieved my neck pain. When I visited this clown doctor he prescribed this and it cleared me right up!”
- Jeff D, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA

“It’s completely cured my fear of knees!”
- Scott Malcomson, Phoenix, Arizona, USA

“No I’m not afraid of heights... just termites!”
- Tracey Mackie, Blayney, NSW, Australia

“Doc says I can remove them after 6 weeks.”
- Jeffrey Angus, Gardena, California, USA

“The only problem is getting my suits made to the proper inseam.”
- Daniel Reitman, Portland, Oregon, USA

“Hey! The weather really IS different up here!”
- Beagle, Republic, Montana, USA

“You’re right! I can see my iceberg from up here!”
- Rebecca Blankenship, Glen Rock, Penssylvania, USA

“My ears just popped!”
- Carol Stottlemeyer, Tacoma, Washington, USA

“I am SO going to stand out in our next march!”
- Stephen Gilberg, Washington, DC, USA

“And in shallow water I don’t even get my feet wet!”
- Jim Lane, St. Augustine, Florida, USA

“Even better, I don’t have to swim in sewerage when a tour boat goes by!”
- Chris Wheeler, Brisbane, Australia

“Honey, I’ve been practising on these for months. That ballroom dancing competition is in the bag !”
- Donna Lewis, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA

“I’m trying out for the basketball team!”
- Marie, Orlando, Florida, USA

“The Linux people wanted someone taller... I think I’ll audition again.”
- David Hamilton, Balaclava, Victoria, Australia

“…So lure Rod onto the roof then push him off, you’ll be free forever!”
- NobbyNobody, Suffolk, UK
(Apologies to any fans, friends or family of the late Rod Hull and his memorable Emu puppet, and in general to anyone who finds this caption to be in poor taste. Jenner)


“I wanted to be closer to the sun.”
- Jenner



DECEMBER 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Christopher Buhler, Rancho Cordova, California, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“I told you, I got drunk at a STAG party!"”
- Jon Wilson, Lafayette, California, USA

“Don't worry about a thing. We'll have you right as rain, dear!”
- Flynn Leek, Dacis, California, USA

“Well, there's a lot worse ways to do community service over the holidays!”
- Scott Malcomson, Phoenix, Arizona, USA

“This should cure your Seasonal Affective Disorder!”
- A. Sigurd Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota, USA

“Well, you could always wear a Chanukah menorah!”
- Steven F. Scharff, Henderson, Nevada, USA

“I've got it! Just tell Santa there aren't enough extension cords for the trip!”
- Craig E Smith, Dublin, Ohio USA

“Plug that thing in and the next thing that glows will be your nose”
- Herbert Kapaun, Austria

“Feeling a little light headed are we?”
- Mike Regan, Ridgecrest, California, USA


“I've just reduced your greenhouse hoofprint.”
- Jenner

NOVEMBER 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Jed Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Yes, you have been dating a stuffed monkey for the past seven months, and yes, I think it's time for glasses.”
- Elijah Dove, West Sacramento, California, USA

“Just ignore the other kids: You're not ‘sleeping with the enemy’!”
Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“It's ok, Timmy. Your thagomizer will just be sore for a bit while your adult spikes come in.” (Note: The Thagomizer was coined by Gary Larson, and has since actually passed into use. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thagomizer )
- Bobcat (Flynn Leek), Davis, California, USA


“The monkey can’t go on forever. Yes, I see the irony.”
- Jenner

OCTOBER 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Flyn Leek, Davis, California, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“No, I swear! I was just returning it to the bloke in the next room!”
- Josh H. Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

“C'mon! Lemme cut to the chase!”
- Aldi, Laval, Quebec, Canada

“Stop! He meant to write ‘Next, we saw that CAST into pieces.’”
- Robert "Chiaroscuro" Armstrong, Mystic, Conneticut, USA

“No, really, I think I'm getting better!”
- Reese, Southern California, USA

“But you promised your wife there'd be no more children!”
- Jim Lane, St Augustine, Florida, USA

“I meant the table! The middle leg on the examination table is too long!”
- Jim Lane, Adelaide, South Australia, Australia

“If the patient can still run on it, you don't need to amputate it.”
- Devin Hallsworth

“Sorry! ‘Saw Spots’ was a bad joke.”
- Peter Phelps, Portland, Oregon, USA


Cheetah thinks: “It’s a dream sequence! I’m a cartoon character, and this is a dream sequence!”
- Jenner

(Sorry to the lots and lots of other people who sent in vasectomy jokes.)

SEPTEMBER 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from John Reynolds, SanFrancisco, California, USA



SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“Now we won't hurt each other will we?”
- Jim Duncan

“Relax, Doc. I'd never sue you. I wouldn't have to.”
- Craig E Smith, Dublin, Ohio, USA

“Let me know if this stings.”
- Dave Wright, Hartford, Conneticut, USA

“That's the last time I use my stinger as a can opener.”
- Phil McCarty, Gaithersburg, Maryland USA

“How was I to know my kid's teacher was a meerkat?”
- Daniel Reitman, Portland, Oregon, USA

“Actually, I'm a Pisces”
John Reynolds, California USA

“The phrase "this may sting a little" takes on a whole new meaning.”
- Greg Stump

“My dear doctor, I think now is a good time to discuss the billing of my co-payment.”
- Jeff D, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA

“Can you hurry and get to the point doctor?”
- Robert Doerner, Savannah, Georgia, USA

“Sting operations should be left to the police!”
- Justin Berg, Federicksburg, Virginia, USA  (and so similar it was neck and neck: David Hamilton, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia) 


“Oh, I’m a lawyer, if you hadn’t guessed.”
- Jenner

AUGUST 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Brian Coe, Lake Stevens, Washington, USA

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“This is what I get for buying a Mini!”
- Steven F. Scharff, Henderson, Nevada, USA

“I’m driving myself crazy!”
- Con Tsourtos, Adelaide, South Australia, Australia

“...and then she said, ‘Here! You take the wheel!”
- CP, San Diego, California, USA

“And then the instructor said to use the horn on the wheel, so I did!”
- Maurice Palmen, Oss, The Netherlands

“I guess this is what I get for rubber-necking...”
- Ryan K, New York, USA

“But I was in the back seat!”
- Zoe Mulford, Manchester, USA


“I keep coming up in these wheels.”
- Jenner












 

JULY 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from David Hamilton, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

“I think I’ve solved the disappearance of Nurse Scamper’s chocolate truffles!”
- Bruce Denhard, New Hampshire, USA

“I have found the source of the stain. It was alimentary, Doctor.”
- Lycanthrope

Address: Sweet Home, OR, USA
“Actually, I’m an accountant. My deductions only work with taxes.”
- Marvin E Fuller, Sweet Home, Oregon, USA

“I smell a rat.”
- Lady Rhian, Manahawkin, New Jersey, USA
- Patrick Drewery, Salem, Oregon, USA
- Matthew Whaley, Ithaca, New York, USA

“Doc Rat! You told me this is the world’s smallest Frying Pan! What a fool I looked when the Guinness Book of Records people turned up at my house!”
- Paul Bedford, Reservoir, Victoria, Australia



“What’s this…? Splinters of violin?!!”
- Jenner

MAY/JUNE 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Lisa Clark, Calgary, Alberta, Canada

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

For pity’s sake, Kimba, Disney made the damned movie and got away with it! Get over it!
- Steven F. Scharff, Henderson, Nevada, United States

Last night I told him to talk dirty to me. He said: kitchen, bathroom, dishes...
- Jean-Francois Chevalier, Chatou, France

‘Cause it’s cutting off the circulation to the rest of his body!
- Nick McRae

Reggie! Take off that silly Burger King hat and tell Doc about your cholesterol problem!
- Christopher Hall, Greensboro, North Carolina, USA 

Will you listen to the Doctor! The only ‘exercise’ you get is ‘hunting’ for a beer and the remote!
- Carol, Tacoma, WA, USA


Can you feel the love tonight? What a JOKE!
- Jenner

APRIL 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Josh H Knight, Midland, Texas, USA

MARCH 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from John Reynolds, San Francisco, California, USA.

Honourable mentions:

“Hi little bunny! Can you come out to play?”
- Calvin the Bear, Portland, Oregon, USA (and about twenty very similar entrants)

“You GOTTA come in and see what I did with my room”
- Bruce, New Hampshire, USA

“Hey, can I get a little womb service here!”
- Simon, Castleford, West Yorkshire, England

“Mine's waving back. Oh stop, it tickles!”
- Chris Gibbs, Durham, North Carolina, USA

“WOW! Sure makes it easy for an ultrasound!”
- Joe Aconite, Bardstown, Kentucky, USA


“Goodness! Don’t they ever leave home?”
- Jenner

FEBRUARY 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Mike Zelenski, Racine, Wisconsin, USA

Honourable mentions:

“...But I REALLY didn't know about the glue!!”
- Terry Heil, Sycamore Hills, Montana, USA

Gizelle: “Edvard Munch meets Steve Martin? No, I'm just not seeing it.”
- Chris Gibbs, Durham, North Carolina USA

“But what scares me most is I didn't feel it go through anything!”
- TriptychR, South Dayton, New York, USA

“I keep hearing the William Tell Overture... over, and over, and over...”
- Tristan MacAvery, Midlothian, Virginia USA

“Just proves I am at target weight now!”
- Jeanette Forrester, Robina, Queensland, Australia

“And then I heard him say: ‘Turn your head to get directions....’”
- VL, Finland

“I get the point. Doc's advice goes in one ear and out the other.”
- Marvin E. Fuller, Sweet Home, Oregon, USA

“Help I've just had an arrowing experience.”
- Michael Green, Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, USA

Gizelle thinks: "I see your arm's grown back, then."
- Jenner

JANUARY 07 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Richard Heagren-Gibbs, NSW, Australia

Honourable mentions:

“...and that's when the superglue took hold.”
- Scott Malcomson, Phoenix, Arizona, USA

“Hi, I'm from the lab, I'm here for the blood samples.”
- Ryan Bruce, London, Ontario, Canada

“When I get down all the blood rushes to my feet.”
- Stephanie W, Washington, USA

“Alcohol gives me nasty hangunders.”
- Marvin E. Fuller, Sweet Home, Oregon, USA

“I'm having a hard time keeping my food up.”
- Keith Christensen, Mountlake Terrace, Washington, USA

“Don't you EVER shove that enema tube in my mouth again!”
- Leanne Ridley, Maple Ridge, British Columbia, Canada

“Well, the last time a nurse did my Pap smear, she used a ladder.”
- Paul Fitzgerald, North Sydney, NSW, Australia

“Sorry... I have acrophobia, and I can only hang from low ceilings”
- Jed G. Martinez, Margate, Florida, USA


“He stuck his finger where the sun shines!”
- Jenner

DECEMBER 06 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Pam Sears, Bakersfield, California, USA

Honourable mentions:

“and my my fa father said to to to me TI, TI, TI, TI TIM-BER...!”
- Jean-Francois Chevalier, Chatou, France

“How was I to know it was the squirrel's spare bedroom?”
- Jimmy Lapine, Tampa, Florida, USA

“Look, they’re not supposed to fight back!”
- Ragnar Fyri, Norway

“Word of advice, Doc. Never get between a little old lady and the nearest Christmas sale.”
- Marvin E. Fuller, Sweet Home, Oregon, USA

“Doc? I've got this gnawing pine in my stomach.”
- Laurence, Bury, Lancashire, UK

“The shiners are supposed to be on the tree”
- Ann Vole, Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada


“Well yes, it IS my dam business... and then he hit me!”
- Jenner

NOVEMBER 06 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Ellen Groves, Cambrian Hill, Victoria, Australia

Honourable mentions: 
 
“You think the twins are odd? It took me three weeks before I realized the triplet was a bowling ball.”
- Marvin E. Fuller, Sweet Home, Oregon, USA

“And so, Doctor, we'd like to try that pre-natal viewing option you offered last time...”
- Scott Malcomson, Phoenix, Arizona, USA

“Yes, one of them IS adopted.”
- Laurence, Bury, England

“We appreciate your help, Doctor........(but.... about that last sperm donor?)”
- W.T. Steinmayer , Mystic, Conneticut, USA

“My youngest is a little shy, his father is an armadillo.”
- Karl Martin, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

“Well, I had a few drinks one night and well the father said he was a platypus”
- Shawna Knight, Clarkston, Washington, USA

 

“It must have been that terrible brawl at the Stitch-and-Hatch group.”
- Jenner

OCTOBER 06 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Karl Martin, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Honourable mentions:

“You're not going to give me an injection in each arm! No way...”
- Steven Smart, East St Kilda, Victoria, Australia

“The last time this happened you missed my tenticular torsion!”
- Tim Senior, Picton, NSW, Australia

“Enough with the cheesy octopi jokes, or I'll give you a sucker punch!”
- Marvin E. Fuller, Sweet Home, Oregon, USA

“A sucker? Do I look like I want a sucker?”
- SeaGROL, Sasebo, Japan

“I wanna be a RED ringed octopus”
- Jim Rose, Sebastopol, Victoria, Australia


“Hey! You’re asking for a bunch of ones!”
- Jenner

SEPTEMBER 06 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Steven F. Scharff, Henderson, Nevada, USA

Honourable mentions:

"He swallowed my iPod. WOW! It sounds a lot better now! Monkey pod! Monkey pod!"
- Keith A. Johnson, Port Orchard, Washington, USA

"The Doc Rat Kid. Reach for the Ritalin."
- Dr James Rose, Sebastopol, Victoria, Australia

"Doc Rat was quite unprepared for his two new Med Students."
- Kaylene, Ipswich, Queensland, Australia

"I can hear HIS heart, YOUR trachea and MY butt."
- Scott Malcomson, Phoenix, Arizona, USA

"Hey Mickey! You're gurgling!"
- Jenner

AUGUST 06 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Dr. Andrew Wood, Brighton, Victoria, Australia 

Honourable Mentions:  

"I'm sorry, Doc! The left coil doesn't know what the right coil is doing! "
- Dana Kocher, Wisconsin, USA

"They said they tattooed my policy number there somewhere. "
- Keith A Johnson, Port Orchard, Washington, USA

"Doc, what about I go to a chiropractor? "
- Dr. James Rose, Sebastopol, Victoria, Australia

"First I couldn't find my keys and then there was this jingling when I slithered. "
- James Abrams, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

"You say you’re having some back pain, do you? "
- Steve Curtis, Eaton, Western Australia, Australia

"That's it! You found my mobile phone! "
- Narrelle Harris, Melbourne Victoria, Australia

"If swallowed, seek medical advice! Can't you just shut him up?"
- Jenner

JULY 06 COMPETITION

The winning entry from Ben Ellis,  London, England:

Honourable Mentions:

"...and it's part of a set!"
- Steven F. Scharff, Nevada, United States

"He thinks he's Ned Kelly!'
- Peter Bowring, Berowra Hts NSW, Australia

"I want you to look at the wart on his knee"
- John Hilton, Perth WA, Australia

Doc thinks: ("I've heard of kids on pot, but this is ridiculous!")
- Lynx Kraaikamp, Crossfield, Canada

"Does this mean he'll grow up to be a pot head?"
- Kyle Johnson, San Angelo, Texas, United States

"And I think you'll find a soldier up his nose."
- Jenner